I laughed berez :

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

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What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

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There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?

2 birds. The other 3 fly away!

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An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

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What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."

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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

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A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?

He was already dead!

ur not marwa you imposter!!!

da real marwa is gonna own u for this

watcha talking about man?

ahmed is gonna get owned by marwa

Yea i own him everyday

Gimme a few days and I'll own this thread.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;

"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.

The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck inquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What do they want with a plasterer?"



A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender, "You got any fish?" The bartender replies, "No, this is a bar and we don't sell fish," so the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we don't sell fish!"

The following day the duck returns and says, "You got any fish?" The bartender loses it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE DON'T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

The next day, the duck goes into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"



Ok so I'm mowing the lawn when I came upon a mushroom. I was reaching down to rip it out of the ground when it screamed "No! Don't kill me! I'm a fun guy!"

^ It's funny because there's a lawn.

You didnt like my jokes , they are the best in England

The classroom one was funny.

Yay, yours was funny too. Cheers

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" he says to the first duck.

"Huey," said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my damn day."

Three travellers, an American, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over New York." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."

what were the two jews fighting over? a penny

what were the two christian priest fighting over? a young boy

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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president
his
daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers
were
killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the
President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

An exchange student from a foreign country came to America. He was currently learning the english language, so his teacher told him to go to three different places and memorize a few words he saw. So that afternoon, the student went to an airport and memorized the word 'takeoff'. Then he went to a zoo and memorized the word 'zebra'. Lastly, he went to a hospital and memorized the word 'baby'. The student went back to the teacher the next day, and when he was asked what words he memorized, the student replied, "Take off ze bra, baby."

lol @ u guyz

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

englishmen are smarter than scotts

I just read this from a Tom Clancy book:
A preacher is in a church during mass. He asks:
"Who wants to go to heaven?"
Everyone but one man raises his hand. The preacher goes up to him and asks:
"Why don't you want to go to heaven?"
The man responds:
"Yeah, sure when I die. I thought you mean you wanted to take a bus load of people there now."

jj16802 wrote:I just read this from a Tom Clancy book:
A preacher is in a church during mass. He asks:
"Who wants to go to heaven?"
Everyone but one man raises his hand. The preacher goes up to him and asks:
"Why don't you want to go to heaven?"
The man responds:
"Yeah, sure when I die. I thought you mean you wanted to take a bus load of people there now."

LOLZ.. niice