Prologue.
"Maddy, watch out!" Charlie called out over the sound of horses galloping.
I was frozen still. Coming straight at me was a dozen troops on horses riding straigt at me.[Straight is spelt wrong and the second straight isn't needed] I just couldn't move.
My
body stop [Stopped] functioning. The next thing I knew Charlie was coming at me.
I was knocked flat on my back with Charlie right on top of me.
In
hind sight I don't know which would have been worse. Being trampled by
a troop[herd] of horses or having Charlie having one over me for the rest of
my life.
As quickly as they came, they passed.
"What the..." started [S should be capital] Charlie as he climbed off of me.
"Who the..." I started.
"Where the..." Andrew started.
We
were suddenly in an open feild, not far from what seemed like a [an] oldschool [ols school] village. I had no idea where we were. I had never seen any of
the secenery [scenery] arond [around] me. Everything seemed new, or rather old. To our
left was a forest, which stretched as far as the eye could see. Over to
our right was a stream which lead down to a small village.
I sholud [should] probably start from the start.
- Chapter One -
It
started out like any other day. Charlie and I were on our way back to
the mess hall. Wed [we'd or we had] just finished our last class for the day. We had
been watching the worlds most boring movie on medieval living. The
video had to be over 100 years old and the presenter looked as if he
could drop dead at any moment. Most of our class was almost asleep for
most of it, but Charlie and Andrew were right into it. As far as they
were concerned watching multiple people get beheaded by a blunt knife
all in the name of education was a fantastic idea. Mrs. Muller (our
history teacher) was nuts about the medieval period. She was always
wired on coffee, it was always funny.
By the time we arived at
the mess hall we were starving. But as we walked in, it was oddly
quite. Charlie and I exchanged worried glances. We both attended
Illyria Boarding school, and rule one of our school was where theres
[there's or there is] food theres [there's or there is] students. Yet here we were surronded [surrounded] by food with no
students arround [around].
Something was definately [definitely] up. We heard a sound from the back and started our way back there.
It
seemed that everyone was crowded around the staff window. As we made
our way to the front we realised they were all gathered around a
television. Again this was way out of the ordinary. I'd been to this
school from the word go and I'd never seen a television set. Again
Chalie and I exchanged worried glances.
But before we could figure out what we were watching, our principal, Mr. Booth, came in and turned it off.
"Alright,
alright, everyone move back," Mr. Booth said, almost screaming to be
heard above the rising noise level,[full stop] "OK everyone back to your year
level rooms. Your teachers will fill you in on the details."
Everyone
around me began moving towards the main door. I grabbed Charlie around
the hips, (so I wouldn't lose him), and followed. Everyone around me
seemed tense. People all around were whispering nervously.
Somewhere to our left someone said, "The Prime Minister seemed nervous."
And over to our right, "Do you think the school will send everyone home?"
"Do you think our parents are ok?"
"Why isn't the UN stepping in?"
By
now I was freaking out. Whatever was going on must have been huge. As
we were on our way back to our main room, Andrew and Rachael caught up
with us.
"What in the world is going on?" I asked, almost cutting
off Charlie's circulation. I was still holding onto his hips and with
the build up tension I was gripping way to hard.
"Oww," complained
Charlie. He removed my hands from his waist and held my hand, just as
tight. "Yeah, what's going on, other than Maddy's new passion for
extreme massaging."
"Well, me and Rachael were wandering past the mess hall and we noticed no-one was in their [there], which weirded us out so...."
"Andrew," I said quite annoyed, "get to the point today please."
"You
of all people should know he can't do that," Racheal [Rachael] said with a
giggle, "we were in the mess hall and the tv was on, we were so
shocked! So we headed over and saw some old guy, apparently he was the
leader of the UN, talking about war in the countryside of Illyria
and..."
"What?" Charlie and I both said at once.
"That's just
it," Racheal [Rachael] continued, "by then everyone was gathered around and
watching and then Mr. Booth came in, and you know the rest."
War!
War in Illyria that's immpossible isn't it? It's funny, here at Illyria
we are completly cut off from the outside world. Charlie and I had both
attended Illyria since the word go. And this time the "word go" was a
lot earlier than normal. Illyria was a private, exclusivie and
extremmly [extremely]expensive school. Illyria is an island off the coast of
Australia. It had been privatley brought by the founders of the school.
Apparently he was some absolutley filthy rich guy who absolutley loved
the medieval period. He loved how they had such definate social ladders
and how those at the, or near the, [Comma not needed] top were so in his words, "classy" [Were in his words, so "classy"]
so he founded [A better word should be used here. Maybe built?] this school. The idea is that they take the most gifted
children from around the world and train them in the ways of ture [Don't know what that's supposed to be, perhaps pure?]
gentlemen and ladies. Perfection is a must and failing isn't an option.
It sounds rough but that's how we do it. As well as that they have
extreme strictness on rules about etiquette and just about everything
else. But it was great! It sounds completly [completely] over the top, and in a way
it was, but with all the extra rules came all the extra perks. This
school was the most wealthy school around[comma or full stop here or 'and'] budget just wasn't in their
vocabulary. Instead of learning out of a text book how a hover car
works, we had professionals come in and help us build one in each
class. And the afterschool activities were just as great. Learning
outside of the classsroom [classroom] and out of school hours was [were] greatly
encouraged.
My parents definatley [definitely] couldn't afford it. Not in a
long shot. But apparently I'm brilliant, I know how stuck up that
sounds but apparently it's true. I got into Illyira on a full
scholarship, many other kids could have made it but apparently
somewhere in my family line we were related to the founders of the
school, so I got in. My parents are both Australian farmers, I love
them to bits but I only go home during the Christmas holidays, which
means their always busy. Other than them it was just me and my brother
Matt. Matt, well what can you say? I'd say ledgend! [legend] As much as other
siblings fought we depended on each other. Matt was 18, two years lder
[older] than me, and he was preparing to take on his destiny, running our famil
[family] farm. I'd only lived on the farms [farm] for two years. And getting back to
the unusual early "word go" I had com to Illyria a [at] the age of two.
Charlie
on the other hand, well lets just say money just wasn't an issue.
Here's a guy who has it all, but is still as down to earth as they
come. His parents are both scientist [scientists] working in the forensic department
at the Australia Department of Defence. They were the best in the
business and their pay checks mirrored that feeling. Their work often
meant a lot of traveling, [travelling, two l's. It's spelt that way everywhere except USA] and it was because of this they decided to
send Charlie to a boarding school. And boy I was glad they did.
Charlie
was one of those guys, you know the type, teachers thought he was the
most brilliant, charming student they'd ever come across, and all of
the female students at Illyria thoght [thought] he was the most attractive guy
that could be found on planet earth, but to me he was the best friend
in the world!
I always knew if I had a problem Charlie and his sense
of humor would be there to help. Being without your family for 10 out
of 12 months of your life since the age of two is tough, but with
Charlie there it was much easier to cope. Our friendship had started
out on the soccer field, and since then we'd just grown closer.
By
the time we finally made it to our year level room, (the year 10 year
level room was on the other side of the school to the mess hall), most
of the class was already there. Everyone was tense and talking
nervously. We took our seats, Charlie, Andrew, Rachael and I all had
seats grouped together at the back, and as we did Mr. Miller, our year
level teacher, walked in. He was a funny guy, as well as being slightly
shorter than Mrs. Muller he was one of the best teachers in the school.
He got frustrated really easily, I mean once last year Andrew was late
to roll call and when he rocked up he was a mess. Andrew was a tall,
blonde and definatley hot guy, but on this day he was all over the
place. His hair, normally sitting perfectly, was a mess. It literally
looked like he just rolled out of bed, after wrestling a lion. Mr.
Miller was in such a bad mood he walked over to Andrew and told him to
go to the office then started pacing around, then all of a sudden he
walked over to a new wall still in the constuction [construction] phase and punched
it. It was completely out of the blue. He left a huge hole in it, but
then even more surprisingly walked back to the front of the room and
continued on with his roll call as if nothing had happened. We all sat
there in a state of shock. It was not just the students who were the
best and brightest in the world, the expectations for the teachers was [were]
just as high [comma here] if not higher. Ever better was on the way out to our first
class, biology at the zoo grounds I think, we saw him putting a Mona
Lisa poster on the whole to cover it.
As Mr. Miller came in he had an extremly [extremely] serious look on his face.
Mark-
Grammar- pretty average, a lot of spelling mistakes and almost no punctuation errors. You should use a spell checker because most of those were very basic, most probably typo's. 6/10.
Story line- So far nothing is happening, but it's early in the book. It's kinda at the describing stage. But it's not clear. 3/5.
Character development- It's good so far. There has been background on the two main ones, and descriptions on a few of them. Need descriptions on all of the ones that will be there from start to finish early on. So we aren't wondering what they look like. Help us paint a mental picture instead of leaving use thinking. 4/5.
Plot- Hasn't been revealed yet. I'm sure we'll find out in the next chapter or so, but we should at least have an idea in the first part. 4/7.
Interest- So far it's pretty boring, but hey it's the start. Some bits are exciting (like the hole punch LOL) but other then those few it's a bit dull. 2/3.
Originality- Haven't seen this anywhere, so obviously not copied. And from what you tell me you have wrote it all your self. 2/2.
Overall- 21/32.
So far I like this story. But you should fix up the mistakes (there are a lot of grammar errors) and try to open up the plot sooner instead of raving on for a few paragraphs about history. Just let the history unfold through the story.
Keep writing, you can only get better!
Portal
