I guess I've just been down a lot more lately. I mean I haven't been on the computer as much, I usually stay in my room crying. My girlfriend came up for Thanksgiving. We had a really good time together, but I guess I went too fast for her. She didn't want to go beyond making out and apparently I'm really grabby when I'm asleep O.o The next day she told me that she thinks she's straight though, so I guess she's probably not into me. I really wish I was a guy more than ever, then everything would be so much easier for me. She's going to leave tomorrow morning back to where she lives which is pretty far away. I won't be able to see her until next June. Yesterday was the last day we could be together, she's going to be busy all today and tomorrow. She knows I'm upset and keeps apologizing to me, but she can't help her straightness. I don't think she understands how upset I am though. Lately I've been getting more and more suicidal. It doesn't help that I'm still bullied at my school. My dad has been getting worse as well. He comes home acting drunk and his anger doesn't tolerate anything, including me trying to stick up for myself and my little sister. Lately the only thing I've beem thinking of is my friend, I can't get her off my mind. The way I feel around her is so weird in a good way. She's the first person I could ever actually touch. I used to be afraid of holding or shaking hands, but I can hold her hand just fine. But when she goes away I cry myself to sleep again. It just makes me really depressed to know that she can't feel the same way right now, and that she'll keep living far away from me for at least 5 more years until she's legal aged to move out. (She's younger than me, but looks and acts way older) I feel a little better having typed this all out, but it still hurts a lot. I think my mom is suspecting something, I've been crying more than normal a lot. I don't know how long I can hide these feelings from everyone else.